3% a lady

It's official. I am shit at being a girl. This is not a new thing - more of a nagging realisation that I finally just have to put my hand up and admit to.
so... why am I shit at being a girl? pretty much everything!

• I don't get up early and shower/wash my hair/put my makeup on before work


• I rarely wear makeup at all unless I'm going out somewhere


• I don't bathe every day


• I have no idea where the iron is


• I can't make/alter my own clothes


• I use soap. I don't even pretend to buy fancy shower gels and the like


• I only wear heels about once a month and complain the whole time


• I don't take my makeup off before I go to bed


• in fact I don't have any kind of skincare regime


• I have some moisturiser but tend to forget to use it - and then it's just bog standard inexpensive stuff


• I can't spend more than 3 minutes in lush or the bodyshop before I start to feel ill


• body lotion - what's that all about - are women supposed to coat themselves with it after every bath/shower? surely that involves hanging round in a cold bathroom covered in sticky goo for aaaages? erk!


• I don't do anything to my cuticles other than nibble at them


• how do real women have clean nails all the time? within 5 mintues of getting out of the bath I have stuff under my nails!


• of course painting them hides this but within a day or two they're all chipped and it's not like I have the time to take it all off again and repaint them


• I wear black because I'm mortally afraid of colours, especially of them clashing! mortally! the prospect is more scary than mickey rourke's face...


• sometimes my eyebrows scare me - they require a team of sherpers to maintain - it's probably why I don't have time to do all the other stuff - if I let them off the hook for a couple of days they start to go feral


• I shave my legs as and when I feel its necessary depending on the weather, if they'll be on display or the possibility of them being rubbed over someone's face - my mate Cat shaves hers *every* day - that's a lot of face rubbing


• my roots - bloody roots! I'm sure real women keep their roots well covered - hey I know several women who are ginger that you would never even guess about as their root-management is so good


• I don't actually have a hair do - not even one I can pull out of the hat for posh occasions!


• not that I actually have any hats


• I don't have matching bra and pants sets. not even one!


• I do not own a single piece of thong underwear


• or any swim-wear and if I did it certainly wouldn't be a bikini - can you still get those big victorian coverall things?


• I can't wear false eyelashes - they just poing off or stick to my nose


• I do not pumice my feet


• I don't know what to do with children other than pull faces at them or patronise them


• I can imagine few things more mortifyingly horrible than doing an aerobics class


• multiple orgasms?


• I don't know how to slow dance


• or waltz


• I fight with boys


• I like computer games


• I like porn

I imagine some of you can add to this list for me :P

yeah sure I have a few girly bits like too many wigs, the urge to see hot man-love and a fondness for kittens but hey...

I may do a poll later