sarah_orange | (no subject)

Current Mood: just a little bit destroyed

(no subject)

I am almightily fed up today. it's just one thing after another. think I've just hit the straw that breaks the camel's back bit too.

bah. I'm sure I can hear a chugging noise accompanying the light at the end of the tunnel

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I know exactly what you mean about the time, and the way stuff seems to expand to fill every speck of time available to you, and how it ends up feeling like you're drifting out of the orbit that everyone else is in and deeper and deeper into empty space. And how you end up running in circles because this needs that to be done to be sorted out, but that means that has to be done first, but the other absolutely has to be done or else the world will end and you've already put that off for 2 weeks already and it's hanging over you like that bloody sword... and no matter how much gets done it never seems anything compared to the pile left to do, and you can't seem to find an end, or even a beginning, or a thread you can pull that will start to unravel the mess, or an edge piece with a bit of sky... And it would be wonderful to just stop and take a breather, but you can't because wrapped up in there is the money you need to live on, and even if everything wouldn't fall down the second you stopped, you can't afford any kind of break and even if you do, even if it's just a night out, you end up so on edge because you know just how precious even a small amount of time and money is, so you can't relax and even if you could you'd feel bad because you need to squeeze as much as possible into it cos you're not getting another one for, like, forever.

Anyway, my therapist (god, I sound so American) is generally highly symathetic and supportive, but with the occasional kick up the butt. And when I told her that I felt like my life just lurched from one crisis and deadline and emergency to another, she said "Well, that's up to you, isn't it?" Because the problems will always be there, but it's up to you whether you're going to be looking at them from underneath, with them all piling up over you and crushing you, or if you can take a tep back and look on stuff from the outside, as a problem to be fixed or a pattern to be broken rather than a rush of crisies.

And that a lot of it comes down to prioritising, and working out what most has to be done and also what's most important to you in the longterm, and what's taking you towards that and what's keeping you from it. ANd what thngs are genuine priorities, and which are less important, and what's actually your problem and what is really someone else's problem, and what's precious and what's worth sacrificing, and what's a false crisis. Because those times where there are twenty things that MUST be done or the world will end, it's very rare that you get even half of them done, and especially not done in the way you thought you ought to... and yet the world doesn't end. And if you'd been able to pick out the ones that maybe weren't so world-endin, or didn't require your entire heart and soul this time, in advance, then you'd have done exactly the same amount and achieved just as much but with a fraction of the stress, guilt or worry. Or, on occasions, fallout. And you can only do that by taking a step back and distancing yourself.

(I will state right here for the record that I am really crap at both of these things, both distancing myself AND prioritising, which is WHY I'm still on panic stations 90% of the time and my social life rivals that of a 200-years-dead hermit. But the times when it works, I feel like I'm flying - and nothing in the world is different, just in my head.)

Apparently if you get good enough at this there are even times when you can prioritise saying "screw the lot of it" and swicthing off for an evening, without it being a big deal or just another part of your shcedule or a way to tick the "must socialise this week" box, but my guilt-at-not-being-productive tends to over-ride that one so far... but I'm trying.

I'm also told that finding one thing and finishing it is a good goal, even if you put other stuff on hold, as it give a sense of achievement, although I'm still working on that one (I can't comment on that, as I'm... um.. sitting commenting on LJ rather than doing that. ALthough I am lurgied today, which is why I am on LJ at all...) And the thing is, actually making the decision to put stuff off can be wonderfully freeing as well. I mean, a smell of cat wee is still a smell of cat wee. But a smell of cat wee that you have decided can wait until the weekend to be investigated fully is a lot less burdensome than a smell of cat wee you ought to sort out right now but don't have time to.

AS for all the stuff that comes from other people being crap, kicking stuff sems like a very good solution to that.

I know how you feel with the drinking as well. Right now I can't afford taxis as I'm far enough out they cost that bit too much (ie anything), I'm way too out of practice to deal with buses, I don't like relying on Kris for lifts, especially the times when he's not going out cos he's knackered and not wanting to move, and if I drive myself I can't drink, so end up feeling sidelined and dull with nothing to say, and going home early... or not feeling brave enough to go out in the first place. And it would be a lot easier if I could find a way to be as happy and relaxed when I'm out sober, as I'd probably get out more, but I do end up feeling so dull and invisible and the word-well just dries up.

BUT I do want to learn how... and if you'd like a non-drinking buddy for a sober night out sometime, let me know... we can sip cocktails of diet coke and lime, and marvel at how little we're spending and how few claories we're consuming, and sneer at all the drunken people while cringing inwardly and hoping we never looked like that, and hopefully find some sane and sober fun AND remember it the next day!

As for alienating men you like? Pshaw! Generally when that happens, in retrospect it always turns out that they were aliens in the first place! "It's not you, it's him" may be a cliche, but it is one for a reason... usually you'll find that guys are eyebrow deep in their own crazy and so focussed on that, that they don't even register your crazy even if you bash them over the head with it... repeatedly!

Oh, and I always carry a thingie of lavender body oil with me in my bag - means I always have a cover-up scent in case I fear I / my clothes / the whole office is whiffy, and can also sniff it as a calm-down relaxation thing. (Actually that sounds way more organised than reality would allow... so for "always" insert a given value of "when I actually consolidate all my various bags for long enough to have it in the one I am carrying, and when I actually remember that it's in there AND can find it". But in theory, and the occasional time in practice, it's a good idea....)

I would say look after the neck pain first. I've lost a lot of time this year to bad health when the eczema has been insane, which has meant I've been highly begrudging of the additional time I've had to spend looking after it... but everything else is so much easier to deal with if you are feeling fit and well within yourself. Do whatever you have to do to sort your neck out, even if that means putting other stuff on hold - and do what you need to to make sure you're eating and sleeping properly - it's a time investment, because you get twice as much achieved when you're in good shape as you do when you're struggling through in pain.

Oh, and between us Kris and I have at least one out of "I want Candy" and "Go Wild in the County" - probably both. (I also have some truly cheesy 80's collections if you want to browse any - although I imagine you have much of it already ;-) )

And I seem to have done an awful lot of talking about me in a reply that was meant to be about you *sigh* Bad Anna!

You have my number hon, if you want a chat, or a rant, or someont to come round for a glass of wine or a cup of coffee or to help you hunt down that damn smell of cat pee, just give me a call *snuggle*

Will see you Sunday if not before...

gosh that was very nearly a novel :P

ta lil :)

I would probably have a lot more time if I could learn to say things in fewer words... or a lot more money if I used those words to actually write a novel ;-)

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